The Pictures That Haunt Me

     Imagine watching your completely normal-sized friend visibly grow thinner each day as she slowly starves herself. You recognize her actions, and you know that everyone else does too, but no one will speak up. Years later, you see her again, and she weighs even less than before. You know that she is killing herself, but you still don't tell because you no longer believe that it is your place to do so.

     Then you watch yourself become that girl. You don't have time to eat, but then again, you don't want to anyway. Society has warped your perspective of yourself. You have been under constant scrutiny your entire life, being criticized for everything you do, especially for what you eat or don't eat. You finally give in and watch yourself fade away. You're scared that you can't stop, but even if you could, you don't want to.

     Looking back to a couple of years ago, you remember watching your best friend get tears in his eyes because of something you said. He turns to walk away, so you call out to him, but he doesn't even blink as he leaves you standing in guilt. Later, you meet again and reconcile your differences, but your friendship just isn't the same. It hasn't been the same since.

     That same year, you saw two girls get suspended for something horrific that they did to another student. Even though you weren't involved, you can't help but feel guilty. Maybe it is because you remember when you used to be the outcast. You were teased and treated little better than dirt because you are different, and they didn't understand. You remember crying yourself to sleep every night, feeling like you were alone. You always had this disease, but after one year friendless, you became a lot sicker.

     The mob-mentality of this ever-changing world leads a good person to go against their nature and turn away from someone else. The meanest people always seem to be the most popular. They thrive off of fear and anguish and attack the most vulnerable of the populace. It's the survival of the fittest where the individualists barely have a chance. You don't think that it will happen to you, but everyone must eventually become one of the hunted. You cling to the hope that maybe one day it will all come to an end. Even though it feels like it never will, it usually does. The only question should be about the way it ends: Will the tormentors stop on their own, or will you end it through your actions?

     Every day you see the sadness, the poverty. Their grief is almost tangible, and you reach out to see if you can touch it when you walk by. But that is all you do. You reach out to feel their sorrow, but you don't have the courage to pick up their heart and hold it in your hands. Do you see their faces when you lie down at night? Do their cries for help haunt you as you sleep?

     Then, of course, you always wonder about what may have been. Searching through your past, you find thousands of what ifs. Some of them even seem to be connected, and you become more deeply troubled as you consider your past choices. Did the reward of one choice outweigh the consequences of another? If given the same options today that you had back then, would you still be satisfied with the same choice and its outcome?

      Then again, you can always let go of those "what ifs?" and keep moving forward. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to simply try to forget. And even though it will not be easy, you must try. I cannot tell you that it will get better. In fact, you will always be plagued by these bad memories for as long as you live. Not a day will go by when you don't remember. But one day while you are remembering, you may find that these memories don't bother you as much. Don't get me wrong, they still afflict pain when they flit across your mind, but maybe now you will be able to close your eyes and fall asleep at night.